and it's finally going to happen.....

flights are booked..

hotel reservations made..

notice not to work during that weekend already given..

bags packed..

in other words, ALL SET!!!

we are finally going to meet!

three months after that first message in facebook

2 months after seeing each other thru webcam for the first time..

we are finally going to meet..

in flesh..

what would i say when i see him?

would i jump?

would i scream?

would i run and throw myself at him?

or would i shyly walk over to him and say "hi, its me"

been thinking of different scenarios of that first meeting,

each one more romantic than the other,

back when actual meeting was just something that we talked about in passing..

but now that its 99.9% going to happen,

i do not know how i should react,

what i should say..

so i guess i would just let things flow on that day,

just say whatever comes to mind,

just do whatever my excitement dictates..

one thing i am sure,

i would be the happiest on that day..

i am going to finally see my jaan..

my jaan who has been my source of happiness for the past 3 months..

that man who has been making me see things in a totally different light..

that man who has been making my heart skip beat

with each message, each smile..

that man who has been my world..

and who will hopefully

be my love from now and then..

waiting . . . . .

In the darkness of my room

I wait for that tone

That sound from my phone

Telling me I am not alone

In feeling like this

Like I’m all by myself

We both said things that were wrong

And got hurt in return

I want to say sorry

But will that be enough

As I’m not sure of things

And of what you really think

Would you even want to talk

Or just leave it like this

You there, me here

And just forget the rest

Of those wonderful plans

That we so carefully weave

I don’t know what to say

To make things as they were

You loving me

And me loving you

And continue counting the days

Til I can be with you..

what if the relationship is tagged...well "untagged"

He recently came from a failed marriage.

And I am just a couple of months shy from breaking up with somebody who used to be my world.

And so he said a commitment between us is very unlikely.

Hence the “open relationship” as he calls it.

Tagging a relationship would just ruin everything, he said…expectations will arise, demands will be made..and sooner, disappointments will be felt.

And so we, sort of, agreed on this untagged relationship.

But if this is the case….

.....Do I need to let him know what my plans are for the day?

.....And am I allowed to ask his?

.....Do I expect a message everyday from him?

.....And am I supposed to do the same?

.....On those instances that messages are not received am I allowed to be upset?

.....Is it perfectly okay to be jealous when he would spend weekends with his friends rather than spending it with me after a very busy week during which he hardly had time for me at all?

And if this is an untagged relationship…

.....why are we planning on seeing each other soon?

.....and why can’t we wait for that day to finally arrive?

.....why do we get upset when our internet connections just wouldn’t cooperate?

.....why do we miss each other when days pass and we don’t see each other even for awhile?

.....why do we curse parallel universe for not making us meet sooner?

.....and why are we falling in love so fast, so hard, so deep?

.....and why, pray tell, can’t I even imagine tomorrow without him?

Somebody help…..

i am his secret

yes, i am his secret...if he has lots of them, i have no idea..

but one thing i am sure of is that i am his one BIG secret..

why do i say this?

.....because none of his friends know about our "untagged" relationship..

.....because when his friends ask who i am he tells them I am a colleague from work..

.....because when he is with his friends i cannot send him messages, lest they ask who the hell he is chatting with..

and why do i think he does this?

.....because he just recently came from a failed relationship..

.....because in his culture it would be very hard to explain why he would fall for someone who also came from a failed relationship, and with two kids to boot..

.....because eyebrows will be raised if his friends find out that he is seeing someone outside of their circle, outside of their culture

and how do i feel about this?

.....i feel really bad, and really low...because it makes me feel like i am not worthy to be introduced to his friends..

.....it scares the hell out of me because i know that when the time comes, he would choose his friends over me..

.....its breaking my heart because right now i cannot see a future with him, because i will always be an "outsider"

.....this was the very first picture he sent me, and i guess i am holding on to this, that is why in spite of all my fears, i continue to care for him, love him....

.....because who knows, maybe he would love me enough to make me a part of his life, his circle, his culture...

.....and if i don't stick around i would never find out right?

.....so for now i will enjoy every bit of us, every moment spent together, even if for now i remain as his one big secret...

10 random things about me and jaan

1. we haven't actually met yet.....but we are planning to meet 1st week of september which is like just couple of weeks from now, and thats giving me the jitters BIG TIME


2. we are living like 8,500 miles away from each other....he is in New Jersey while I am in this small place in Asia..

3. we are hoping that the distance be reduced to 1,960 by end of August, which means one of us would be doing a big leap...and that would be me.....the main reason being work

4. he is a software engineer, while i am a manager; i used to manage a restaurant and i also had a chance to manage the biggest, hippest bar in One Happy Island


5. because of the time difference that we have right now, we are both losing sleep because we want to spend time even when each is at work, or even if its like 1 in the morning in one's place

6. we love creating "movies," ..like we would write out scenes of what we would be doing assuming we are together...and these movies we plan to act out into realities when we finally meet

7. we have a song and its "i just wanna spend my life with you,".....this song is soooo beautiful that i wondered how in the world i didnt know about it til he sent the link to me
http://youtu.be/XNRpIgD7g1E

8. aside from "movies" we also create poetry, that poetry game that i posted, that was actually a collaboration between us, but mostly it was his words, and i did the re-arranging

9. jaan actually means my life in hindi, and thats what we call each other most of the time....that is when we are not calling each other all those names that i enumerated in one of my blogs....well there you go, he is indian, born and raised in India but is now living in NJ but plans to eventually go back to his home town

10. we profess our love for each other all the time, and most of the time we are like "is this for real?" or "how can two people who haven't even met yet actually fall in love?".....i know its kinda hard to believe, but its true, we do love each other, i know that from all the efforts that we are putting into this relationship....yeah, we do love each other

.......and we are happy, and we intend to stay that way, if not happier = ))

behind my lens

how did i know...

I knew from that very first comment,

How it made me smile and thought “of all the things he could have noticed…”

I knew when suddenly I started reading up on your country…

I knew when out of the blue I find myself looking up pretty romantic hindi phrases…

And how I try my best to memorize them 

And pray to god I say them correctly when I tell you..

I knew when I started looking forward to friendly talks with you..

And staying up as late as 4 in the morning

Just talking about nothing and everything ..

I knew when I learned how to activate that conversation history of yahoo..

And, in your absence, just read those conversations over and over 

And actually feel like the conversation is still going on..

I knew when I started to become a Facebook and laptop addict, bringing it with me even to bed..

And the fact that I turn my laptop on even before getting out of bed

Wishing I would see a sweet message from you..

And how a simple message makes my day instantly,

Because it means you were thinking of me too..

I knew when a simple sly remark becomes a “movie”

And how the thought and vision of “shirt white” brings a silly grin to my face..

I knew when you were able to make me smile even when I am in the worst mood ever..

And in the realization that you are the only one who can do that to me..

I knew in every instance that we are amazed to find out that we think the same

And even say the same things at the same time…

And actually feel each others’ touch across the distance..

And I finally knew when I learned how hollow and empty feeling in stomach actually felt like,

And how that searing pain lingered when I thought I lost you..

And how a simple “hug” smiley from you made all those disappeared….

Just that one single smiley..

I knew then, that I need you, cannot be without you…

I love you..

For sure..

Absolutely..

Totally..

Definitely..

Mei tumse pyar karti hu, meri jaan…

(that's hindi meaning "i love you, my life")

he creates poetry, in a heartbeat

hi jaan!

this is a compilation of your cute, instant poetry.

i just did a little re-arranging of lines so that they somehow flow one into the other.

you really are my adam sandler.

i took this picture during a sunset cruise in one happy island

Sleep tight

In my shirt white

Hug me with a gentle bite

And don’t let go off that candle light

Hate you with all my heart

Hate you too with all my body parts

I'm sure your body parts will disagree

Not really, they may bring some kisses spree

What would I do without you

Love you love you and make love to you

You are as crazy as a looney

But I am your honey

Are you really

Don’t u know, silly

I'm serious

And I'm curious

You always make me smile

You make my time worthwhile

I miss your hugs

Kiss me but not bite like bugs

Wrap me in your arms

You make me go crazy with your charms

Kiss me on my neck

Hell yes, what the heck

And whisper in my ear

Come close dear

I will keep you forever

I'm not a diamond, but im forever

Stay with me

Love me honey

Never say goodbye

I wont lie

Because you are my life

You're my apple and I'm your knife

I’ll lay my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat

I will slide on you, kiss your breast and listen to your heartbeat

I will let my fingers play with your hair

Let me kiss you all over my love lady fair

And I will bask in the wonderful feeling you are giving me

And I will mask my face behind your beautiful hair, covering me

Love how your warm breath makes me shiver

Slowly the warm breath turns into kisses all over

The touch of your hand sending me on fire

Filling you with endless desire

And I call out your name

To continue the part 2 of this game

You are driving me insane

Hold me tight its gonna rain

I will wrap my arms around you

To make you go crazy and scream loud you

And I say don’t stop

Come on my top

Take me on a wonderful ride

But its gonna be one long stride after stride

I look in your eyes as we move

Come close so I can make deep love

So beautiful feeling inside

My stomach flutters like butterfly wings

We did on sofa lets do it on swings

Take me anywhere you want

My absence will make you haunt

Without you I will go mad

Hell yes you go and I will be sad

So I will never let you go

That’s my promise I bow

You are my life

You are my jaan . . .

this our story . . . . .

Photography.

Facebook.

February 14. My birth date.

Those basically sum up how our story started.

We both love photography.

Facebook page of a famous photographer, that’s where we became “friends”

     “I envy your b’date.”

     “My birthdate??”

     “14^th Feb, isn’t that ur bdt?"

     “Yes it is…I didn’t know it shows on my profile page, got to check that…Hey nice pics by the way..”

Simple first conversation, thru that FB chat. Jaan was at that time having the time of his life in Vegas with a friend.  And I was at that time in a crazy relationship… and 13,600 miles away from him.

Amazing that though he was partying at that time, he kept on replying to my messages. He later admitted to me that normally he would ignore all phone messages when he is partying. But on that particular night he said he just wanted to keep on “talking” to me.

And so messages were exchanged, back and forth. Across the thousands of miles. While he was in Vegas, until when he reached home in New Jersey. Even when he is working in Philly.

Conversations came easy.  Bond was felt right at the start, that feeling that we have known each other for a long time. So much so that on the 5^th day I was telling him about my whole life, failed relationships and all. And he listened. And didn’t judge. And even gave me advices!

And opened up he did, too. I learned of his culture, his past relationships, and how he doesn’t want to be in one any time soon.

Simply said, we became best of friends. I say “best of friends” because I told him things that not even my closest friend know about.

And we began to look forward to the conversations. Time difference didn’t stop us from talking to each other, both sleeping late, adjusting to each other’s schedule. If one is not online then messages will be left, bringing instant smile upon signing in, finding those sweet-nothings, giddy at the though that each was thinking of the other.

I guess we both knew that this was something special. Uncommon, remarkable. This has to be more than friendship. But neither wanted to say it.

But its there, just waiting to be acknowledged out loud.

At that time I was in a crazy relationship, so he was always taking a step back. Always there for me, but never in a romantic way.

Until I finally closed that chapter on my crazy affair, not because of jaan, but because I just had to. For myself and that other person.

Though Jaan and I were already exchanging sweet messages “miss you” and “thinking of you” all the time, we would always say its “pure, friendly way.” 

Until when we finally admitted that, hey, this could not be just this - a friendship.

Because this is something extraordinary. Awesome. Unbelievable.

And, let’s face reality, this is also not that easy.

Because of that 13,600 miles between us.

But we are working on it. We will make it happen. Because we need each other. We make each other smile. We make each other happy.

As Justin Long said “f*@k the miles, f@*k them.

It has only been 70 days since that first message.

It hasn’t been smooth sailing all the time.

We’ve weathered storms, at one time even to the point of saying our goodbyes.

But I guess we love each other for real, because we are still “together.”

We are working our sails.

We are adjusting on those winds.

And we are smiling, laughing, learning, loving while we are at it.

We will be happy and that’s all that matters.

To hell with the miles!!

we call each other names

this is one of the pics that i took that he absolutely loved 

And we laugh when we do.

And I love him.

He calls me tube light.

I call him flojo.

He calls me dumbo.

I call him sleepyhead.

He calls me baba.

I call him honey.

He calls me sweetie.

I call him jaan, which means my life

He calls me jaane jaan, which means my life and my love (swooooooooonnnn)

I call him…

     "My good looking, born smart, wise beyond his years, addicting, self-absorbed, harsh, cruel, profound, handsome, too-hot-to-handle, gorgeous, trying to be Adam Sandler poet, George Clooney looney, relentless Indian man."

Honestly, I call him that and much more.

I just love this guy.

And one of these days I will post our love story. Stay tuned!

the next best thing.

hey jaan!

yup, for me this is the next best thing after smirnoff ice = ))

i don't normally drink beer. somehow i cannot get past its bitter taste, no matter how cold it is. so when i was introduced to smirnoff ice --- loved loved loved it!!! and have been drinking it on nights out when im not having martinis, or on a nice lazy day at the beach, or just relaxing infront of that 40-inch tv in my apartment...

well those were the days when i was in that one happy island...

now here at home, smirnoff ice is way too expensive. and then came this!!! 

H.E.A.V.E.N!!!  now a beer i can enjoy again.
and enjoyed i did, last night. as in couple of bottles at home, then four bottles at a bar = )

maybe i will enjoy a bottle tonight, in the company of my google reader.

or maybe two bottles ....

i know, i know..

hey jaan!

yeah, yeah, i know you will tell me to chill, relax, everything will be okay...
and believe me i do want to think like this all.the.time.
but somehow there's this kind of voice at the back of my head, whispering "what if it doesn't"...
and that whispering is bit by bit becoming louder each time, and its making me lose sleep, and if i do get lucky and fall asleep, it invades my dreams....and it is driving me crazy...

believe me there is nothing in this world that i would want more at this time but for all of our plans to come true, for us to finally meet, finally act out those screenplays we oh so wonderfully created over the distance, finally go to those romantic sunset dinners we dreamed of, finally explore underwater together....

JUST FINALLY BE TOGETHER.

so can you please do me a favor and please tell that voice to shut up?

and let me start all over again..

hey jaan!

this is my third attempt to blog. yup, 3rd = )

my first was like two years ago, when i suddenly had this inspiration to write about my very good friends i was leaving behind ( i was then on my journey to that "one happy island".

but then new places, new people, new languages..all these overwhelmed me and blogging just simply took a back seat.

but once i have settled down, adjusted, blended and simply let go of that feeling of being an outsider/newcomer, inspiration struck again, specially so when i finally started on my photography and scuba diving, two of the things i am so passionate about.

but then working three jobs didn't really leave me time to write...add to it the fact that i am a procrastinator = )

so here goes, another try to blog.

wish me luck!

and enjoy!!